Good Man? A Self-Reflective Query

And other thoughts on masculine and fatherly generativity.

My wife is on an eleven-day business trip to South Africa – and I’m on day four solo-dadding it with our two young sons, aged six and four. I’ll cut to the chase – this shit ain’t easy.

So is the nature of our work and life at the moment. Sometimes, I’m gone for a few directing commercials, my wife will drop the kids at school, and we’ll miss each other as she leaves on her work trip. She also works in film and commercial production - so at least we understand the complexity of what each other does professionally. Somehow, my wife and I still manage to like each other, respect each other’s work, and support our individual needs to be a person out in the world while taking parenting very seriously.

For whatever reason, this particular solo parenting extravaganza has felt particularly trying for me. It could be our boys’ age or the fact that I have a lot of personal and professional goals for 2024. This won’t be a surprise for other fellow ambitious dads out there to hear: personal and professional strivings and active and loving fathering often feel like a clusterfuck of an awful, souring relationship. They don’t seem to get along. I mean, how the hell does one balance it all? One doesn’t - not really. But optimistically, I believe it is possible.

My two sons and I on a trip to Assateague Island in 2021.

The bottom line is this: in my opinion, if you want to be a loving, involved dad, your two-year personal goals must be five-year goals, and you must accept them. Period. Besides, your and my ego desires and intensity of professional ambitions are often a cover for insecurities and rationalized, sideshow repressions of unmetabolized emotional pain anyway.

I’m not preaching - hell, I’m as guilty as the next guy. I somehow think it is possible this year to start a new Substack (DURDEN - this publication), direct a short film, write a feature, get my Jungian coaching certification (and launch a subsequent coaching practice), and establish a new tech content company – all while evolving and growing my career as a working commercial film director. That’s just the professional work.

I am currently coaching my six-year-old’s basketball team, and coaching his baseball team is around the corner in April. Not to mention piano lessons for both boys and going to both their Taekwondo classes twice weekly. I won’t bore you anymore - because I’m sure many of you relate. This seems commonplace for modern men and fathers.

I am sharing to illustrate how many men, like me, overextend themselves and secretly lust to be machines of productivity and progress. Or something like that. Just writing this out makes my head spin - and it strangely validates internally why I might be so irritable and burned out on this current solo parenting adventure.

After my six-year-old son’s final spring baseball game in 2023.

I question: What good does this irritability and overexertion do for my sons, my relationships with them, and the impact and quality of my work?

How does one become a Good Man and/or Good Father amid this self-imposed insanity?

Yesterday, around lunchtime, my six-year-old refused to eat his lunch without his Amazon Fire tablet in front of him. The battery was dead, and I wasn’t about to give him my laptop so that he could watch a video while he ate. I calmly suggested he eat, and he kept getting chippy with me. He whined, shouted, and started flailing on the floor because his tablet was dead. I stayed calm at first until all my patience wore off. Finally, I shouted, “Just eat your damn food!” He looked at me, his eyes welling up, and said, “Why are you talking like a robot?” He was scared. I looked closely into his eyes with frustration and anger. Finally, my son started crying in fear of me, and I broke down as well. I got down on one knee, and the tears fell from my eyes all over the wooden floor beneath me. I looked up at him and said, almost in a whisper: “Can you please just eat your food? I’m doing my best, buddy - can you do that for me?” He looked deep into my eyes, seeing my emotion, and slowly nodded his head. I pulled him in and hugged him tight, and we both let go - crying loudly.

My four-year-old boy then came in, and I looked at both of them and said: “I feel like I’ve been a bad dad recently. Yelling, short-temper, not paying as much attention to you guys - and I’m sorry.” My six-year-old looked at me and said, “Stop lying, Dad, that’s not true.” “It is,” I said - and it’s not ok. But I promise I’ll try and do better.” We hugged, and I asked if I should play a song to cheer us up. My four-year-old miraculously said: “Good Man” by Third Eye Blind. (Damn good song, by the way)

I was taken aback - not because he had never asked for that song, but because the timing of the request was interesting in contrast to what had just happened. As I re-composed myself, I started obsessing over this idea: What is a Good Man?

We had plans in the afternoon to go to my parent’s house for the evening. They live five minutes away, and this Sunday ritual of grandparent and family time is a true joy of our lives. Amid the chaos, I had forgotten some food at home and decided to drive back and retrieve it. As I walked in the door, something in me whispered to consult the I Ching. For those not familiar with the I Ching,

“the I Ching is an ancient Chinese divination text and perhaps the oldest of the Chinese classics. The book contains sixty-four hexagrams and is used for guidance and decision-making.” - Thomas Ellison

My copy of the ancient I Ching.

I pulled my Richard Wilhelm I Ching Edition off the shelf, got on the floor, and quieted down. I thought: “Where do I go from here?”

The first hexagram became apparent as I flipped my coins (an integral part of consulting the I Ching). More on how to consult the I Ching is here.

An old drawing of the I Ching Hexagrams.

Hexagram #62 with a changing line of 1. In this case, with any changing lines, the first hexagram points to a second Hexagram. In this case, #55. Essentially, this means: “This first hexagram #62 indicates where you are now, and the second hexagram #55 is where life energy wishes to flow through you next.” I should profess I’m not an I Ching expert, and that’s the best way I can currently articulate it.

I immediately went online and researched these two hexagrams – 62 and 55. According to the Divination Foundation:

Hexagram 62 // Attention to Detail

“Ambitious undertakings are not in order, but attention to small matters brings decent progress. Such is the case for a person whose resources are meager but who, through modesty and perseverance, eventually rises to accomplish great things.

An early key to success is to avoid pretentious ambitions and grandiose goals. The power of the small is served by slow and steady advancement and succeeds through an honest acceptance of its limitations without reservation.

Changing line 1:

A baby bird meets misfortune by trying to fly from the nest prematurely. The small must attain a certain stature before making the most preliminary advance. A willingness to attempt complex tasks too quickly invites unfortunate consequences. Stick to basics for the moment, and make security a priority.”

From Divination Foundation.

Hexagram 55 // Great Abundance

“Abundance comes into full flower when a group is unified, and the power of its leadership is at its peak. This is like the sun at midday—a high noon of clarity, insight, and progress. Whether this refers to a national cycle, a business boon, or a period of personal abundance, peak periods can be brief, so it is essential to bale your hay while the sun is shining.

During a period of abundance, it is skillful to show benevolence and to share the fruits of one’s good fortune. Think of good deeds now as a hedge against scarcity in the future. This reading bodes well for raising children and nurturing a healthy family or any close-knit group.”

From Divination Foundation.

So - what the hell does this all mean? Why am I sharing it with you?

As a modern man, sometimes, if not often, I believe my life is under my conscious control. I like to live my day-to-day life and think I can systemize everything, optimize my schedule, and be the king of my domain. To a certain degree, yes, that is true. I can organize my calendar, choose when to go to the grocery store, when I’ll wake, or go to bed, etc. However, suppose I have learned anything from my Jungian Analysis. In that case, the belief that I’m the sole master of my domain indicates a runaway ego complex - rigidified and hell-bent on being antagonistic toward anything that wishes to emerge from the Self - or the Greater Personality within. I believe that I can push myself to exhaustion and ignore clear signs from my psyche as to where my life energy, or "psychic libido,” wishes to live out in the world.

Most modern men cannot accept that they are not in control - even if the surfaces of their lives are seemingly in control. As modern men, we must learn to accept that we, the little ones we identify as are not more powerful than the nature we are made up of and exist as and within.

We all may secretly like to define our manhood as the extent and intensity of our control, efficiency, and productivity.

A Great River. Courtesy of Unsplash.

The above sounds much like the definition of a machine, not a human man - but I digress.

If we replace the word “Tao,” for the Jungian, “Self,” it would be the same principle to bring the I Ching back in. As human men, we are natural systems, and these natural systems are constantly moving and in flux - just like the weather. We may learn from the I Ching or Jungian Analysis or Coaching that we must, to live healthy and productive lives, live in receptivity toward the natural flow of life (Tao or Self) that pulses through our being. In essence, we cannot, as modern men, believe that our life energy is merely at the disposal of our conscious willpower.

Just as I, David, cannot control the weather in the outer world - I also cannot control the biological and psychological natural systems living through me. Well-known Jungian Analyst James Hollis likes to say, “Neurosis is what happens when our instinctual (ancient natural flow) selves clash with our conditioned selves (modern ego).” By that definition, what man do you know is not insanely neurotic - and therefore suffering?

Humor me for a second: Could we not say that a Good Man is a man who lives in subservience to the natural flow of life within him, and by being receptive to that flow, he can aim his strivings to the beautification and well-being of life around him?

I took my I Ching consult above to mean this: If I can slow down and focus on what is small - keeping my house in order, paying attention to my sons and what’s going on with them, tame my grand ambitions, etc. - then the abundance and great flow of nature can live in abundance through me.

In other words - it’s almost brilliantly reframing and giving me a fresh perspective on abundance. Is abundance wealth, progress, speed of accomplishment, and illusion of control? Or is it that if I can quiet down my life, abundance, or a great flow of energy, ideas, love, and compassion can reach me - because my strivings and goals follow the smallness of my human life? Slow and steady wins the race. This attitude and perspective of small steps - open this ability to see my life and the little golden treasures and observations of familial and fatherly love, work, and self-expression along the way.

How unbelievably humbling this one I Ching consult has been for me - in questioning my manhood and fatherhood.

Me and my sons.

I’ll leave you with one last consideration of my initial question — what is this Good Man in 2024? How can I live according to this principle in my own life as a father of two young sons?

A Good Man lives by natural order - within and without. His identity is not defined by his accomplishments, productivity, or sexual prowess - but by his ability and discipline to shape and direct the wellsprings of life within him toward the betterment of life around him. A Good Man does not over-exert himself and will do so only in the case of emergency to protect the well-being of others and in the protection of his sacredness. A Good Man lives well on the surface of day-to-day life but is not scared of his depths - because he knows it is in his depths - that he’ll find the courage and guidance to promote the health and well-being of his family, community, and species.

A Good Man helps cultivate, through his conscious awareness of the incredible power of nature within him, the shape of the flow of water - i.e., the flow of life.

But how does this Good Man learn to live in this way?

He never fucking gives up in adherence to these metaphysical strivings. I am sure as hell not there yet, but I will not give up trying.

Let me ask you: what is Good Man to you?

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more musings on the masculine soul.

Sources:

https://www.thecollector.com/i-ching-hexagrams/

https://divination.com/iching/